“Pompeii” is an underwhelming eruption.

Keifer Sutherland, Kit Harington, and Emily Browning star in this disaster flick.

“Pompeii” is an underwhelming eruption.

It's certainly not a bad movie, it's just not great either.

A grumbling Mount Vesuvius started to shake things up in Pompeii days before it erupted. With a series of tremors in the city, and dark clouds streaking across the sky, the signs were all there that would only be a matter of time before it all went to hell. In the 2014 movie “Pompeii” the tone is the same. There’s a sense of foreboding right at the start of the film when the famous Pliny the younger quote appears on screen:

“You could hear women lamenting, children crying, men shouting. Some were calling for parents, others for children or spouses; they could only recognize them by their voices. Some bemoaned their own lot, other that of their near and dear. There were some so afraid of death that they prayed for death. Many raised their hands to the gods, and even more believed that there were no gods any longer.”

Immediately it’s established that this is going to be one dark story, with zero chance of a happy ending. It’s futile for the citizens to try to escape. Anyone who's taken even the most basic of history courses knows the deal, and “Pompeii” doesn't make any attempts to change that.

That smolder!  Insta-Nom to be  live action Flynn Rider from 'Tangled' ! 

The central figures in “Pompeii” are a Celt-Horseman who was enslaved by the Romans, and Cassia, the young, beautiful and wealthy daughter (is there anything but that?) of the senator of Pompeii. It’s easy enough to predict that two are destined to fall in love, just as they’re destined to be torched by the volcano. Both in a matter of days, ‘natch.

So, before he became a slave-turned-gladiator, Milo (Kit Harington) saw his entire tribe slaughtered by Romans when he was just a kid. With tears in his eyes and a seriously unfortunate hairstyle, he was captured by those killers.

Flashforward seventeen years where the story begins, and that lad is now a man baby, a man! With some seriously lethal skills in the gladiator arena, and in perpetually PO’d state of mind, he’s shipped off to Pompeii which has a larger population and a bigger arena. Because duh, Milo’s gladiator moves are some seriously in-demand entertainment. Angry horsemen bent on revenge make for the best slashy, stabby, sword work!

Won't be long before the volcano lights Cassia's (Emily Browning) fiyaaah! 

With his scruffy appearance, slight build and puppy dog eyes, Kit Harington comes off both aww-dorable and ultra hunk, which OFC is in line with the no-substitutions physical appearance reqs in these types of movies.

What would be a cardboard and unoriginal character is salvaged by a strong performance from Harington. While Harington brings some nice emotional depth in his interactions with the other enslaved gladiators, and his fight scenes are well choreographed, it still isn’t quite enough to elevate the movie into something more than standard Roman drama-fight movie fare.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Cassia, played by Emily Browning. Her character is a template of rich-gal-falls-for-slave, a standard star-crossed romance, but unlike Harington her efforts don’t exactly inject enough energy into the role. While she delivers her lines well enough, she can't figure out what to do with her accent. It comes across vaguely British at times, but it never quite stays the same. It has a silly affect that sounds fake and makes it hard to take Cassia seriously, or to truly imagine her in the moment. While she’s likeable enough, as a confident woman determined to avoid the clutches of marriage with a seriously skeevy Roman senator, Corvus,  (Kiefer Sutherland) there isn’t anything else to it.

"I'm on a horse. . . " 

It’s gotta be said though, Browning’s casting was more convincing than some of the other characters. Namely, Jared Harris who played Browning’s senator father, and leader of Pompeii, Severus (as in, not-Snape). Not only does he have yet another different accent (it almost feels like there was a competition between cast members) but he does not fit the role. His uber-contemporary look and the off-the-rack Roman robes scream: ACTOR! Not so much actor in a movie though. . . more ACTOR! in a lower budget,  live-action play. Yikes.

A bigger downfall of the movie is the predictable, and flimsy storyline. “Pompeii” is bogged down by fight scenes that never seem to end. All of the battles seem like one long melee of swords and fists, slaves and Romans, with mucho blood and screaming. I get the whole Gladiator thing and how it’s central to the story but, not only was it not executed well, it was also clearly padding for an emaciated plot.

And the brothas said, 'Eff this.'

The heart of the story, beyond the impending fiery deaths of all the peeps, is that a self-absorbed Roman senator is threatening Cassia, and her family, and forcing her into marrying him. Add in Milo’s hatred for the Romans, Cassia and Milo’s instant attraction, and how Milo becomes besties with the biggest-baddest other slave in the arena who wants to kill him at first, but then becomes his brotha, and you’ve got an insta-ancient Rome flick!

“Pompeii” does hit its stride when it comes to visual effects and set design. From the sweeping views of the bustling city streets, choked with market stall and carriages clattering, to the grand columned estates, the setting, although unoriginal, is believable enough.  Despite how the camera cuts to the volcano over a dozen times, y’know, foreshadowing, just incase you forget, wink-nudge, that it’s gonna blow, for the most part they are well done.

The special effects of the rocks crumbling down and descending onto the city make for some immersive visuals. There’s still the sense that what we’re watching is coming from a computer, but there aren’t silly 3-D gimmicks, which is a huge plus. The chaotic melee at the end of the movie is one the highest points: from the thick plumes of smoke blanketing the sky, to chunks of flaming rock taking out buildings and people alike.

Needs more rage.

While the last scene between Harington is Browning is one of their strongest and most convincing moments together, it’s really just a ancient Roman imitation of “Seeking a Friend for The End of the World” ‘s closing scene.

“Pompeii” was full of fire and fighting, but not much else. Even before the volcano erupts and tears across the city, destroying everything in its path, there’s a sense that no good will happen. What does “Pompeii” add to the genre of Roman movies? Honestly, nada. There’s not one unexpected or new idea brought to the table. But is it entertaining? Sure, and if you’re a fan of this time period by all means watch the movie, it’s certainly not a bad movie, it’s just not a great one either.

This is the end, my friend... my only friend, the end.

Images from the IMDB